Life as you've known it so far is going to change drastically. You might be swamped by this tsunami or you might try and protect yourself as much as possible so that you find a way to ponder what is really essential and keep your life as a kid as innocent as possible.
It is normally parents' business to look after their child's interest, but in times as dramatic as a break-up, they loose control of their own reality, hence find it difficult to deal with their children's emotions as well as their own.
So, read on and find some answers to questions you may have.
Is it my fault?
You might have heard your parents arguing over you, what you do or wear, how you should be doing at school, what you eat etc. So, it is natural that you feel like blaming yourself when your parents announce, after years of battling over "whose fault is it that he can't make his own bed?" that they are splitting up.
So, is it? Are you to blame for your parents' lack of happiness?
Force is to realise that it would be quite presumptuous to think so. Adults are well able to make themselves feel miserable without relying on the help of a kid. You were not around when they met and even if they claimed that you were the glue that kept them together, their splitting up can't realistically be the result of your actions.
So what happened? Was It the Chocolate Pudding? (read the book, it is meant for small kids, yet, it is enlightening).
It s difficult to know why people suddenly change and start hating each other. But the reality is that something did happen and it has nothing to do with you. Parents are big people who should be able to look after themselves and take their own decisions.
So, here it goes: no, not your fault! If you can't really see it, take my word for it!
Who to pick?
Mum has always been there, but she has so many rules. Dad is fun to be around but he does not get you to bed on time, and the fridge is always empty.
When Dad calls and asks you to visit, Mum smiles sadly and leaves the room to hide and cry in the bathroom. When you laugh with Mum and cuddle watching a movie, you can't help but think of Dad who is... well, you actually don't know, where is he? Does he miss you?
This is called loyalty. You have loyalty issues and somehow, you end up unhappy no matter what you chose. There is a down side to every choice and this started the day your parents split up your family.
So, now what?
Let the judges decide. They will say (in agreement with your parents) who you will have and when and where. This is the law and it has nothing to do with you, and you cannot change it. The law is there to protect children and give parents equal rights as far as bringing up their child is concerned.
It might be difficult to adjust at first, but you will soon know how to prepare in advance for a week-end at Dad's or an overnight at Mum's. Should there be a problem, you can chose to talk to your parents or grand-parents or teachers. Sometimes talking about it helps.
You will end up having two houses, you are bound to forget stuff here or there, and miss them when you don't have them. Ask your parents for help. Think about it, they too have to adjust, it might make them feel better to know that they are not the only ones.
I think it is advisable to have one home, one bedroom. But the judges have been known to take different decisions and parents don't want to miss out on watching their kids grow. This is a pity (in my opinion) because a child needs stability, not two hotel rooms in two different bed and breakfasts. So, if at all possible, have one place that you can call home, where everything is settled and usual, and have a get away at the other parent's house. That should make your life easier.
What if things are not that pink and wonderful?
Some divorces are ugly, dirty and destructive, even more than just plain horrible. So, what can a kid do faced with all the aggressiveness, the nasty words, the fights? Let's admit it, at times, adults revert to their childhood tantrums when it comes to letting someone they love go, and an adult behaving like a two-year old is simply pathetic.
However, they are your parents, they have power, and sometimes, they use it wrongly. You need to know that no one in their right mind should use a child to hurt another adult. No matter how much that other adult has wounded them, no matter how much they think this person has hurt them. There are always two sides to a coin. Using a child changes him into a porcelain doll, and these are breakable. At some point, they are bound to let the doll drop, to make a point or simply because they can, and the doll will be broken, irreversibly.
So, there you are, stuck in the middle of the two giants you love more than anything. Every pick-up or drop-off is an opportunity for them to grab weapons and have a go at each other, making you feel horrible in the course of the escalating drama.
In this situation, you might feel like reacting to the emotions that are overwhelming. After all, who should you open your heart to? There seems to be no elected listener. Many children at this point turn to violence, hurting others or themselves as a way to offer an outlet to pain. They might steal, or escape, close themselves in silence, feel depressed. Needless to say, these kids are no fun to be around!
Try to duck all the attacks, if there are any. Stay away from the destructive path until someone notices your presence. If you feel they might listen to you, remind your parents that you do not like to see them hurting each other and they are potentially damaging you. But, more than anything, do not worry if you say or do something to one parent without even knowing why. You might tell your Mum you hate her, you might hang up the phone on your Dad. These are tools you use to protect them or protect yourself. They, as the adults in charge, should be able to "read" you, help you, or take you to someone who can do so.
The only silver lining in this situation is that, no matter how bad it seems at the time when it is going on, things do calm down eventually. They will both regain their self-esteem and find a way to go on with their lives. Is that helping you? Probably not, but you need to know that it will get better, I promise.
What can a child say?
You might feel powerless through the fighting, the divorce and the dividing that follows: sharing of money, property, cars, kids... you might feel like just another piece of their belongings they want to get or they just don't want the other one to enjoy.
Do you have your say in this division episode? Probably not. Mother Justice has been known to make dramatic mistakes at times, but in general, the authorities try and decide in the best interest of the child. God protect us all from unfair decisions!
Most important for you is to realize that your time together as a family is over and you now can recall the good old times, but you should not force your parents to "play" happy family for your benefit. You might get to have this one of those days, but I would be very careful in asking for a reunion when the drama is still hot in everyone's plate.
If you can, try and talk to your parents when they are calm. Blaming them won't help, but you can still do something to support their sadness, their anger. Propose simple things to do together: a walk, a pizza at the local restaurant, a game of Frisbee etc. Explain to them that this would make you happy to share a moment with them, and enjoy each other's presence. This should remind your parents about your well-being without creating more guilt for them.
It will take a while, but as with everything, time will help you to live and get accustomed to the new elements in your life. At the end, you will witness each parent, separated but happy again, and you will enjoy the double birthday celebrations, the bigger loads of presents on graduation day. So, just hang in there and keep your chin up.
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